Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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