It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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