There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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