your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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