uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
