The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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