I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
