Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wish my penis had a tongue
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Couch. On fire.
Randomize