He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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