Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
