You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
