every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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