i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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