Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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