i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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