I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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