Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
