i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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