I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
