Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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