I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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