Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
