I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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