Got a toothbrush?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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