The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The air taste purple.
Randomize
