But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
