My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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