i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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