well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
