From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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