i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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