ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
