I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
