I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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