1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
