My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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