I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
