Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
