I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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