Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
