Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
