Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
