I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
