So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
