For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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