her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
