That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
