someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you never un-have a 4some
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
