Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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