It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
