Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
