did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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