I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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