Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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