Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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