On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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