Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
