Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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