Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
