Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
