My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
