If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Holy shit dude........stairs
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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