i just sent this text using only my big toe
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Help. Why am I so naked?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
