yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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