Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize