so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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