you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
