watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
