Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
