After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize