Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
