i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
