I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We named our party play list daddy issues
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
