Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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