I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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