Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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