he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
