our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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