He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
