Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
