Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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