We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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