I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
